Operation Cosmic Teapot

Operation Cosmic Teapot

Operation Cosmic Teapot

Operation Cosmic Teapot

Nietzsche needed to lighten the mood.  Say something motivational.  Something that he recently heard that moved him to tears.  The motivational opening that he hoped for rushed to his lips, “I’m not afraid to take a stand, everybody come take my hand.  We’ll walk this road together through the storm, whatever weather, cold or warm.  Just let you know that you’re not alone, holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road.”
Everyone looked blankly at him.  Even the lights stopped buzzing while Nietzsche, who had leaned forward to deliver his edict, shrank back into the folds of his executive chair.  The sharp crack of rustled leather shot through the room.   He stared straight at Newton and couldn’t quite place what was wrong him.  Grimm continued to write with vigor.
“I’m not sure what you mean,” Newton finally responded.
“No Marshall Bruce Mathers fans in the room?”
“Who is that?” Newton spoke on their behalf.
“Who is that?” Newton repeated.
“A**hole,” Nietzsche muttered under his breath, “Why are you so pale,” he asked, hoping that this would provide retribution for not knowing Eminem, “Ah never mind.  Let’s just start, shall we?”
Nietzsche swallowed as he realized that this board would be no different from the last.  He only hoped that they could keep it together long enough to move his agenda forward.  He figured the best way was to just go straight for it.  “We need to cut some dead weight from our call center.  Business has been slow lately and we are, as you all know, losing money at an alarming rate.”
“Who did you have in mind?”  Plato questioned.
Nietzsche stared at Plato’s mangled nose, which he believed was from a flesh eating disease.  He shuddered before replying, “Well, I was thinking about God.  His call ratio is horrible.”
“Doesn’t he get the highest call volume?”  Plato asked, twirling his beard in his finger.
“Yes, he is consistently in the top three, but he doesn’t answer the phone very often.  This is a problem.”
While the others around the table began murmuring to each other, Sartre gazed upon Nietzsche with his good eye.  There used to be a time when that gaze was filled with a kind of awe that a student holds for his mentor.  Now, after working with the man, that awe was replaced with an uneasy feeling.  Sartre saw the way that Nietzsche slipped in and out of the present by the way that his eyes went blank.  There was pity for him and his terrible life.  There was even more shame for once thinking that his philosophy was worthy to be considered great.

About the Author

Dylan CallensDylan Callens grew up in Delhi, Ontario. From a young age, he was always interested in writing; however, in high school, his interests were focused more towards music. He dreamed of being famous in a heavy metal band named Nothing Sacred. Unfortunately, the band wasn’t all that good, so fame and fortune never transpired.

Afterwards, Dylan moved to Sudbury, Ontario to attend Laurentian University. While attending, he wrote for the university paper, Lambda, as a columnist, then news editor. Afterwards, he became the Program Director at CKLU radio. Somewhere during that time, Dylan was able to graduate with a degree in English and philosophy.

With such a heavy demand for philosophers in the workplace, Dylan decided to attend teacher’s college. He continues to live and teach in Sudbury, Ontario.

Twitter Name: @TheNitzsch
Facebook Name: Dylan Callens


Format: Kindle Edition

Operation Cosmic Teapot by Dylan Callens is a satire and bittersweet projection of existentialism which denotes that life basically brews in a teacup and that is the end of it. In this allegory, the search for purpose in life and beyond has been dealt with brilliantly where God Himself is a psychiatric patient under Freud who is being made accountable for His Creation. This world, a playground of the immortals, is just that. However, there is this insidious lie at the very core blinding all intelligent thought.

Sartre, Nietzsche come along who see through the big hoax. That life begins and ends right here on earth. There is no heaven, no hell and certainly no higher purpose in an afterlife. End of story. ‘God is dead’ and there is ‘No Exit.’


Format: Kindle Edition

Operation Cosmic Teapot starts from an awesome premise: Heaven Inc. At Heaven Inc., history’s most prominent philosophers are the executives of mankind’s universe. They control the careers of mankind’s deities, who are basically customer-service reps. God is just another one of their employees, burned out and disillusioned by the humans who call upon him for support.

The premise makes a lot of sense, if you think about it. Innovative thinkers like DaVinci, Einstein, Freud, etc. have had a big effect on the way we see the modern world. They’ve become the ‘voices’ that have lead our culture. Gods, on the other hand, are the ‘ears’ that (seemingly passively) take in mankind’s spiritual thought. All of this is well-and-good, until Heaven Inc.’s current CEO, Friedrich Nietschke, begins to let his own personal demons affect his professional decisions. Nietschke turns his sights on God, and that’s when the craziness really starts.

The book is a wild satire that blends a lot of historical, biographical, and theological into a fast-paced read. I’m sure some of the references went over my head, but also it all feels very authentic and thoughtful.

God isn’t the only character who has his history examined and ‘poked fun at.’ There’s plenty of workplace incidences with whacked-out deities like Ishtar, Mars, and Buddha. Everybody here is an open target for satire, especially the philosophers in Heaven Inc.’s celestial C-suite. My personal favorite characters were the French writer Satre and Freya (the Norse goddess).

If you’re into humorous takes on religion, like Dogma, Good Omens, or Gods Behaving Badly, I’d say you need to check this book out!


Format: Kindle Edition

Operation Cosmic Teapot is satire with a twist of philosophical hints throughout You will find yourself wondering of you are actually on this cosmic planet – or of by some chance you ended up maybe reading Freud patient note’s by mistake.

Mr. Callens is a unique writer along with being a creative one. He has brought to life before the reader’s eyes. You are able to visualize seeing everything right in front of you. The call center – Odin -Loki-Thor-Freud- Newton and the rest. Picture this now a big call center as big as let’s say maybe as be what is Microsoft is. But this one is called Heaven Inc….

Yeah that’ right … Our story open up inside the call center with the big guy himself – Nietzsche trying to figure out a way to fire GOD. He has called a board meeting. Along with having God being ordered to see Dr Freud. For some mandatory sessions. Nietz believes that he can find something in the sessions to have him fired. But while he is working on trying to get rid of God – he also has another problem and that is the Norse Gods. It seems that are have stolen some information from Heaven Inc. Now he has to find them and bring them back.

You have the Norse Gods- Baal-God -several other lesser God are also mentioned. During this time Nietzsche who is consumed with getting his enemy out of Heaven Inc. By the end of the story does Nietz realize what is important? Will Humanity itself accept what we have done?


Format: Kindle Edition

God works at a call centre, at Heavens Inc, and is forced to go a see Psychiatrist. Nietzsche The CEO of Heaven Inc, in his quest to fire God makes sure God visits Dr Freud (the drug taking version that we all wish was true), they even drug God.

Whist trying to overthrow God, they question him on his relationship with the mother of his son, and one of his commandment. “You shall not commit adultery.” And states, as she was married, he had broken his own rule.

You have Norse God’s running a muck on earth, trying to get to Asgard. And Gods sent to kill them Gods, and using tweets to communicate: (From the book ) “I am Mazda. I am here to vanquish evil. And that means you. Mazda took his Galaxy out to tweet, @TheNitzschat last. found them at the viking festival in gimli manitoba. Time to lay down some pain #cosmicteapot.

This is not for the faint hearted; you need to have a sense of humor. It’s thought provoking, philosophical and at times, laugh out loud; and well written. A little more showing and it would have been 5 stars. For a first time author, this was a great read.




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